After spanning the globe doing research into ancient arcane pseudo-psychotherapeutic technologies, and spending years doing exacting pseudo-scientific research, Jeff Jacobsen, the founder of the Church of the Personal Truth Science (Church of PTS), has discovered a method to sharply increase a person's IQ, eliminate asthma, and improve personality. (note: Sadly it doesn’t help people to quit smoking due to interfering volcanoes.) First, shave a 3" circle directly above each ear. Then, purchase 2 of the Church of the Personal Truth Science, specially designed Sucker Puller (tm) suction cups (in your favorite color!). Squish one directly into the middle of each shaved area. Now, with your first finger in the handle of each Sucker Puller (tm), gently pull out on both SP's (Sucker Puller shortened) at the same time. DON'T do this while driving. Keep
pulling and releasing in a comfortable rhythm for approximately 15 minutes in the morning and evening. While you are doing this, CLEAR your mind of any thoughts whatsoever.
For an even greater effect, you may have our licensed, highly trained Field Sucker Manipulators (FSM's) come and do the process for you in the most precise, spot on method known to mankind. A sliding scale of donations has been set up for your convenience.
This method has been scientifically tested on 26,300 subjects with 100% results. Any confident pseudo-laboratory should easily be able to validate this process and its amazing improvements on health, IQ, and social skills. Oh, sure, there are those skeptics out there, but to them we say, get your own Sucker Pullers (tm) and try it yourself! It's the only way you'll know if it's true or not! All the research has already been done for you! Shave your head and do it! The fate of mankind rests with you.
Jeff Jacobsen,
Founder Church of Personal Truth Science (CPTS)
Send lots of money to become a member (sell your house if needed).
Send your checks to BT's and Clusters R Us
P.O. BOX 080808
8008 Gullible Rd.
Knoxville, TN
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